I asked Alzheimer’s: “Is this the last birthday?” It did not answer. There are some things even more mysterious than Alzheimer’s and beyond its reach.
Going on two is a misnomer. The reversal of life that is a hallmark of dementia means that the operative words are ‘going on’. A two year old child is more animated, more rambunctious, more vital, more mischievous and more aware than my Bert. Yet all those adjectives are applicable to him too. Add strong, resilient, great teaser, fun and you get an idea of my Bert the old man/child – when.
August is the busiest birthday month. There are more birthdays to remember than days in the month. There is one particular day which has four birthdays.
August is special too, as the two most important men in my life are both August men, both Leos and both precious. They are my husband and our son.
August 2022 is noteworthy for my husband as he celebrates his 90th birthday. To mark the occasion 15 family and close friends gathered for lunch. The food was good, the company great, the conversation flowing and the focus all on my Bert.
It was a far cry from the blockbuster parties of years gone by because my Bert is 90 going on two. Alzheimer’s is to be blamed for that cruel reversal. The voluble, smart, life of the party, consummate host, charming Bert is almost mute. That’s aphasia. Just three weeks before he was talking up a storm but as that darn Mr. Murphy and his law would have it, he had lost the art of speaking by the time his birthday came around. He still says the odd word, with coercion, but you now notice the difficulty of pronunciation and how at times what he wants to say comes out garbled and sounding strange.
He nodded, he smiled, he understood. He did not go to sleep, nor show disinterest. He played with his niece, our son and daughter-in-law and held on to all hands. He still has a firm grip. He remained alert yet it was a day that he was more Alzheimer’s Bert than my Bert. I hope I was able to hide the sadness.
The man/child was happy as the birthday cards came out. There were cards that sang, talked, cards with dogs in a conga line, cards which lit up, 3-D cards, cards that popped, unfolded and were filled with pictures and photographs and other conversation starters. There were helium balloons that now decorate the sliver which is his world. They will remain as long as they are afloat, withering away slowly, fading, losing their substance and drifting to the ground, mirroring the slow decline and loss of heft of my Bert.
At 90 every day is worth a birthday celebration.
At two you are allowed to be happy every day looking forward in anticipation for what comes next. The future is before you. The sky is the limit.
At 90 my Bert lives just for this day. The present is always the only now and it is fleeting.
The Meander: Happy Birthday, darling. What a wonderful life. Your past is filled with amazing memories that you no longer can recall. No matter, I’ll remember for you.
Paula, thank you for your latest Meanderings – it got me on a journey back into my school days. We were studying Wordsworth, and the idea of “the child being father to the man” gave us much thought. We understood it to mean that whatever our character and lifestyle was in those years, it remained with us throughout our lives. The second paragraph in your Meanderings, and that further description later about Bert being the life of the party bears that out, as you describe Bert in those character summaries. I knew Bert in the middle years, of course, and your description is what I clearly remember of him, especially for his teasing. He was certainly a powerhouse.
Bert is 90 – I passed that age 3 years ago, and I was stopped in my tracks in several ways. The “child being father to the man” has worked for me in a different way, now that my daughters are starting to take care of their old dad. Bert is being taken care of certainly, but the most important and enduring care is through your faithful loving of him, Paula. That was clearly brought out by your truly wonderful final paragraph – The Meander. “Your past is filled with amazing memories that you no longer can recall. No matter, I’ll remember for you”.
That is pure love, Paula. Bert is indeed a very blest man.
Thank you, Barry for this insightful comment and the fact that it is coming from one who has been a dear friend for a long time and knew Bert ‘when’. I witness children taking care of fathers and mothers very often. In fact there is a running gag with one of our group who whenever we ask what he is doing next will answer: “Whatever the girls say I am doing.”
I want to think that I am still so on the ball with everything but I must confess that whenever Corbert and Amy takes charge I am somewhat relieved and thankful that I am in good hands. I know you are in good hands too. We are all blest.
Dear Paula. I came across this quite by chance, and it’s the first I’ve read of your “Meanderings.” Although this one almost broke my heart, I look forward to learning from you how to cope with life’s reversals with such grace. You are amazing—my best to you both.
Camille, I thought you were a regular reader. I hope you have signed on as I do continue to write about the journey and put my thoughts ‘out there’. You know I am committed to continue to share whatever I learn as my journey continues with my Bert.
Thank you for this wonderful comment. Now no heart breaking, please. I do enough for everyone. What I do is pray for Grace and strength to carry on.
The love and connection was loud and clear and spoke the words Bert was unable to… you and Beet always inspire.
Thanks, James. You know I share because I care and hope that those who read my words will find some good in them.
As you have done many many times before, your post brought me to tears. Such poetry, such warmth, such love.
Thank you Paula.
Oh, Kay. What a lovely comment though I am sorry for the tears. Thank you. This is much appreciated.
Paula, our dear friend, you are amazing, and we are absolutely grateful and proud to call you friend. You certainly have a big and beautiful heart. Again, you are amazing, and dear Bert is so blessed to have you in his corner.
Thanks to my big-hearted Sisterfriend. Both Bert and I are happy that you are in our corner.
Happy birthday dear Bert. May the peace of God continue to rest upon you.
Thank you, Winsome.
What a touching and accurate description of spending time with a person who is fading away from our world! It brought back memories of times spent with my parents years ago, watching a life gradually fade away. It is wonderful that you and Bert have days that you can still share and enjoy together. Thank you for telling u about it.
Thank you so much. It is distressing to watch the s l o w deterioration. I miss the vitality that was Bert’s hallmark. All I can tell you is that he is content and in his own unique way somehow brings a smile to all around him.