I awake to the mumbling and an incomprehensible rant that is Bertish, the newly invented language of my Bert.
For a minute I lay still hoping that it will end soon. I am so tired I cannot see. One gesticulating hand hits me on the shoulder and coming out of the half sleep-half awake state, I realize that I cannot see because it is 2:15 a.m. therefore it is dark. Duh! Einstein.
A thought insinuates: If I could have known the future, if I could have seen this part of the journey would I still have married my Bert?
I was mortified that my immediate answer was not a resounding yes. Then being me I mentally started a pros and cons list and needless to say the pros far outweighed the cons.
I thought of our life together so far and marvelled at the adventure. I knew when tragedy struck I would not have wanted anyone else beside me. We weathered the storms together and climbed the highest peaks together. We laughed, we cried, always together.
My Bert knew before I did how to transform “I” and “Me” to “We” and “Us”. It is a transformation I cherish. We did not become one but as a team we were as one. That is the glory of love.
I realized that whatever is in our future my Bert was and will be always my Bert.
Yet thoughts do not come and go in an instant, they tend to linger with me and the question lingered. It bothered me that I actually let that thought in. I made a conscious effort to look dispassionately at my late night musing.
First I forgave myself. I am only human.
Secondly I realized that being tired and at the point of caregiver burnout such a lapse was inevitable. I am not Job. My patience is limited.
Thirdly I faced the futility of the thought. No-one knows the future so the question is moot.
Then the conclusion: How wonderful that the future is hidden. The worst thing about the future is that we do not know what it will bring. The best thing about the future is that we do not know what it will bring so we can look forward to it with hope. We can dream of a brighter day.
Then, as if the universe felt my troubled state and wanted to mitigate my self- flagellation it smiled on me.
In my mailbox there was a large envelope. It contained among congratulatory messages a notification of the Heroes in the Home Caregiver Recognition Award presented by the Local Health Integration Network.
It was the right time, coming at my hour of greatest need. What a lift and how serendipitous.
All caregivers deserve an award such as this because we are all heroes in the home. We give care fueled by love to those near and dear to us, sometimes at enormous cost to ourselves.
We never asked for this particular job. It is one challenge we would gladly forgo. We just do what we must do. We have no choice. It is part of the package. It is one leg of the journey. We accept it and hope the future will be less dramatic and traumatic.
The Meander: I have been honoured because my Bert first honoured me. My nominator Ana, and the people who surround us see beyond my Bert’s dependency. They see the love. Thank you, Ana. Thank you, HNHB-LHIN. Thank you, my Bert. “YES! I would do it all over again.”
As always, you get straight to what matters. And you share it with us in such elegant and simple style. What a series of stories you have shared with us here. What loving partners you and Bert have been to each other, with you here to share this very challenging part of your lives together, your “We-ness”.
Congrats on the Award. I hope these posts make it into a book, because you have shone an important light on the everyday experience of living with and caring for a loved one who is declining, and you have shared the insights that come from even the smallest ‘adventures’ at this time in your life. I think Bert would be very proud of you.
Thank you, Cynthia. I appreciate your endorsement. It means a lot. Yes, a book is percolating. As always my Bert comes first so it will just have to percolate a bit more!
Congratulations on the award Paula and I’m glad it came at such an opportune time, just when you needed it. I tend to think that we all end up where we’re supposed to be – not that we’re slaves to fate, I think our journeys could go many ways, but that we learn the lessons we’re meant to learn and meet the kind of people who can teach us those lessons.
Thank you.
We are on the same wave length. I do believe fate has a hand but we have a major role to play in our destinies.
Dear Paula, my congratulation is late in coming, but very sincere. My dear, you have earned totally such recognition – your caring, your hard work, your sharing, your support to other caregivers, and the list goes on. Again, congratulations, with much love. See you soon.
Thank you! Look forward to the visit.
Well first off let me start by saying Congratulations. I had no idea caregivers could receive awards nor had I ever heard of the Heros in Home Caregiver recognition award. Since when does the CCAC/LHIN give out awards to people. This all blows my mind. There is much much more I still need to learn. Just when I think I’ve got a handle on this Caregiving thing and these LHIN folks; something like this happens. For the past 2 years or so I’ve truly hated the LHIN, hated the process; hated all of it. My frustration in having to deal with this group, the difficulties in finding a care coordinator with empathy and compassion bittered me even more towards the LHIN. My greatest struggle is knowing that the LHIN has the authority to take the decisions out of the hands of caregivers with regards to LTC. In my mind, it’s not right. It should be the family who decides where there loved one goes and who will care for them. They should not have the power to tell you whether or not your loved one is first off eligible for LTC and second where they will be placed. I have a real problem that. Unfortunately thats how this process goes, love it or hate it. I choose to hate it. I guess I have yet to see the positives in utilizing the services of the LHIN.
Apologies Paula, I did not mean to carry on with this long rant about the LHIN. I guess I am more surprised than anything to hear about these awards they give out.
On another note, I was quite interested to read about your second guessing yourself and your life with Bert. I would say, it’s only human. Had you known what your future would end up looking like, would you have chosen a different path? Who knows. What I do know, is that the power of love is very strong and it defies all odds, all obstacles. Sometimes it blinds us to what’s reality. I do know this, in marriage it’s for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I very much believe in that and I believe you and Bert are a true testiment to what a real marriage should be. I only wish that my parents could be more like you & Bert. Have more love for one another, less anger and more understanding. They have become 2 people who hate each other, dislike each other and who dont want to be in the same room as one another. I so wish things could be different. But as I am often told, it is what it is. I just hope that one day we all find peace & forgiveness somehow.
Rant away, fellow caregiver. Remember that situations vary from one person to another. I did not know about the Heroes in the Home either so it was a pleasant surprise when approached by my nominator. I am honoured and it is for you too as I know your special issues.
Don’t be too harsh on your parents. That is a relationship you can only guess at. They are having their own issues too and you as child cannot understand it fully.
Do not apologize for whatever you write. I look forward to your unique take on things.
Thanks as always Paula for being so understanding and empathetic. I really value that so much. I wish I had more people in my life like you. You let me rant when I need to, and honestly I need to do that quite often. I guess that just goes with the territory of being a caregiver.
I will say you are one lucky lady to have found a love like yours with Bert. I can only hope to find that one day. Someone to share all my travel adventures with(if I ever get to travel again). I miss it so much. I miss many things. It breaks me every now and than; how much I miss, how much I have sacraficed to be a caregiver. Makes me sad too. But I also know, that my parents have know one else. Neither of my other siblings give a damn, which just boggles my mind. I can imagine just what my parents life would be like if I wasnt here, and if neither of siblings helped. The struggle they would have. So I guess I’m doing what is needed; simple as that.
Well, the fact that someone nominates someone for this award is also very new to me. But hey at least someone acknowledges the difficulty caregivers have taking on that role. Its a mighty nice feeling. Are they having like an official ceremony or presentation with your award; if so I’d love to attend. Cheer you on from the crowd. Well deserved no doubt. Sometimes I think it’s harder to be a caregiver to a spouse than to a parent. More challenging.
I’m glad you accept and welcome my thoughts & opinions on your posts. I dont know anyone else who gives me that freedom to openly share my opinions good and bad; without judgement. Believe me, I get a lot of judgment, especially from my mothers siblings. I’m always defending myself to others. It’s very stressful. I just journey forward and keep doing what I’m doing. Do the best I can do. I mean, that’s all I really can do.
Try to turn your mindset around. Yes, you are being set up and you are the fall guy BUT what if you have been chosen because you have empathy, reliability, a sense of what a child has in parents, the will to acquire the knowledge to do the job, the challenge you have been given.
What would happen if your parents did not have you. Take comfort and be happy that though the road is hard you are doing GOOD!
Also, never give up on love. If it is to be it will find you and you will know.
Don’t know anything about any ceremony and that is not necessary. I am just humbled to have been recognized. I am grateful
Turning my mindset around is easier said than done. Tall order. Tall task.
Indeed I am. I most definitely am the fall guy and scapegoat, and the easy target; no doubt about that.
Hmm.. what if I was chosen you say? Now there’s a thought that didnt occur to me. I certainly dont feel chosen; its more like I feel forced and obligated to do.
Perhaps you may have a point there; I do have the empathy, the reliability, the know how. Lets not forget the thoughtfulness & caring. It’s sad to say, neither of my older siblings has that.
That is the ultimate question, what would happen if my parents didnt have me. They’d kill each other; no doubt. They’d have to have in house help of some kind or my dad would just have to put mom in a seniors home much faster I guess. Who knows.
I have to tell myself that I am doing good; I am doing all this for them. Yes the road is most difficult, upsetting, depressing etc. I guess I just would like this road to end ya know. I ‘d like to have my life back; my independence etc.
As for love, I truly dont know if it will ever find me again. Will I ever get the chance to feel it. I dont have much hope in that or in much else. I’ve just accepted what is.
Well, I am not surprised at all that the LHIN would recognize you; your a terrific person.
Well deserved and congrats again.
See what I mean. Read over your attributes again and you will see why you are a chosen one. There are not enough people who have those same qualities. That is such a positive for you.
You are doing what is good and needed by your parents. Yes, it is hard. It is hard for all of us, especially when we have to be our own motivator, hand holder and self-protector.
Hey, from what I know of you, you are not a quitter. Hang in there. Bet one day you will think it was all worth it.
CONGRATULATIONS MY FRIEND!! WELL DESERVED.
BLESSINGS TO YOU BOTH.
Thank you!
You also deserve another hero award for writing these blogs, thereby letting others into the meanderings of the journey you are on. No doubt those on a similar journey have drawn great comfort form your thoughts that are so eloquently expressed. Congratulations.
This so appreciated as you know my greatest motivation in writing this blog is to share the journey. If I can ease the way for just one other caregiver it would be all worth it. Thank you!
A well-deserved recognition – you are most certainly one of my heroes
Thank you, James.
congratulations paula
you deserve this award and much more for your selfless devotion to bert and unending example to the rest of us
Thank you! Appreciate this comment very much.
Paula, I love reading about your meanderings. This is lovely and your recognition well deserved.
Thank you, Renee.
Congratulations, cheers, well done, bravo, hail-hail, good work!! xoxoxox Deserving because you care so much, but sorry at the same time….because it represents so much care. 😘
Thanks. This comment could only come from one who knows – a fellow Lifeliner. Hugs.