It is a New Year and there is so much that’s new. I have a new schedule. I have a new life of living without another, the one who had been partly absent, but only partly.
Most bewildering is the new ID. I am signing documents that ask for my marital status. I hover over Married then move to Single and then uncomfortably to Widow. I place a tick as the status is officially correct, officially.
I have no problem with the word widow. The hesitancy comes from the fact that for such a long time I was a widow in waiting or in training but now that it is a fact the training turns out to have been woefully inadequate. How do you own a state of ever mutating feeling?
It has nothing to do with living alone. I passed that test long ago. Yet somehow it was incomplete because he was still here. He was less present than before but much more than total absence.
I am beginning to think that I have major fault lines that need mending. Family and friends remind me that the ‘Firsts” are stressful, demanding and catalysts for deep mourning that may resemble depression. I am told to mourn, to grieve and take time to BE. I understand, yet somehow this widow identity has so far been the worst issue in the process for me. How trite!
The first Christmas has come and gone. Children and friends made it beautiful if poignant.
The first New Year’s Eve has flown on the wings of memories that are full of laughter and quiet aloneness but with comfort and feeling of still here. He remains a gift that keeps on giving despite the absence.
Anniversary number 54 was spent enjoying dinner and a theatre performance in the company of friends who are another type of family. The two ‘widows’ knew the muddle that resulted in the tickets for the performance and the anniversary date being the same was no mistake. In our hearts we knew the two friends who are no longer here made that choice for us. They decided this first, this gathering would be to celebrate, not mourn.
There are many more ‘firsts’ to come. Somehow I am able to think that those firsts will only become days to remember on the personal calendar. That personal calendar has many firsts from other losses and triumphs. I am so grateful that there are many more dates to celebrate than to mourn.
When we meet, let’s talk about the happy memories, the firsts which can be met with equanimity and remember that sometimes death can be a gift of love.
The Meander: Let’s greet each other with love and cheerfulness and for heaven’s sake don’t call me the widow Paula!
Such a touching piece Paula. Very brave of you to put your feelings into words and share them so publicly. You are such a good writer. I can not imagine what you have gone through and the path you continue to travel.
Thanks John. This one was relatively easy. It took a lot of agonizing and talks with Bert to decide to write and publish the book! It was Bert’s encouragement and insistence that made the decision for this rather shy individual.
My dearest Paula. You have such a wonderful way with of expressing your feelings and experiences as you move on with your grief and your new circumstances. (See I didn’t use the W word, and partly because I don’t really want to claim and own it for myself either). We both have work to do in our new settings. You are doing yours in such a strong and positive way. I cannot wait too see your next book. Please continue to keep sharing with us what you discover and which can be so helpful in our grief journeys. We love you. By writing, you are loving us in return. Barry.
Thank you, dear friend. As usual you found words to cheer, encourage and also compliment. Not sure about another book but writing is my therapy and though I tend to think too much it contributes to what I write so you never know.
I became a member of the “widow sisterhood” in 2011 and will admit I still think of and speak of him daily. It’s hard not to when everything constantly triggers memories. However, I learned how to consciously turn grief into gratitude for the 28yrs I shared with him.
Ah, those triggers. I am going about my business and suddenly something I see, or touch brings back those memories and I feel the loss again. I am grateful as he was the best present I ever got and now I turn my grief into purpose through support and advocacy for others. My presentations are all dedicated to Honorary Uncle Bert. Hugs to you.
A new year, and a time to add new and pleasant memories. Many of your memories are mine too, so we will continue to make more memories, God’s will. You always will be dear Paula, to me.
And you will always be dear Lorna or Sisterfriend so we are good! I had no doubt that you did not need my warning. You would not have heeded anyhow. Love you.
Paula, my beautiful friend.
I am all too familiar with grief and all that comes with it.
All the paperwork that follows. All the “first” your talking about. Let me tell you, those will run you throug a rollar coaster of emotions. The first few months are the hardest, the first year is also extremely hard. Many different and random thing, will trigger you and youll just start crying ,at the drop of a hat. I recall so many of those. Just to my dads sister or his brother made me cry. Reading the beautiful sympathy cards made me cry. All those things. Even just hearing words in a song or watching a scene on tv made think of my dad and id just start crying.
Even still, when i pack up some of his clothes to give to charity i get cholked up. That is just as hard. I know that i just cant bring myself, to get rid of all his clothes. I cant just erase him, like he wasnt here. I cant do it. Now the gov’nt sort of makes you erase the person, in terms of the paperwork you do, that was very hard for me. But i had my uncle help me through that. So many firsts. Its surreal, it truly is. Grief is an awful beast to tame. Yet somehow with time we get threw it.
I know, that you have the strength of many. You are the strongest person i know. I can only wish i had your strength and courage.
Anyway, sending you the biggest hugs and prayers. Take care my friend.
There are so many triggers and they come in all shapes and sizes and at the oddest moments. I am so glad that I am busy writing, preparing presentations and turning my grief into purpose. Also most important are my family and a host of caring friends with whom I can talk.
You are getting there as you recognize that somehow we will get through this time too. Know that you have the strength just like me to cope, to survive and to thrive. Blessings